by Nick Gisburne
To Myself
I am burning with rage and I can’t get it out
These are frightening feelings, the danger, the doubt
But if everything lost in my life lies within
Well then, what is this tattoo of life on my skin?
I have hated my lovers, I’ve loved what I hate
Those emotions of old I cannot recreate
And I cannot find what I have closed with the door
All the things I have lost I don’t see anymore
And if only my life would be with me again
Those mistakes and emotions, the sadness, the pain
If I had my time over I’d throw it all out
Now I look at the past and I cry and I shout
But no, nothing is better now, nothing is good
Would I take it all back? If I could then I would
My mistakes, did I learn from them? Never and no
I can find no way forward now, nowhere to go
There just isn’t a day where I do not regret
And the pain has no ending, or none I’ve found yet
If this life carries on I will never survive
I have only two choices now: dead or alive
I am angry, I’m weak, I am empty of life
I cannot leave this room or I’ll pick up a knife
Living all of my days, I think each is my last
And the best and the worst of them, all now have passed
In a single, slow minute my life surely ends
And the message, the thoughts that my body now sends
Are the thoughts that keep coming, the old ones, the new
And yet none of them, all of them, some are of you
If the clock never stops, how can life carry on?
Every second, each moment, is faded and gone
I see colours but none of the colours see me
And I know what the price of my life is – it’s free
There is nothing I care for, no thing that I need
I won’t cut myself, no – I have no blood to bleed
If my life was a circus, that comical ring
In the circle of life all my clowns would be king
In the last of my days, when no I longer care
To the faces who happen by chance to be there
Don’t forget who I was, who I wanted to be
And if you should remember this, please remind me
To The One
Now to you, to the one who was angry by choice
To the one who ignored me and silenced my voice
In my life, in my prison, you locked me away
And you never allowed me to look at the day
When you walked in the room and the joke was on me
Did you know what you did? Tell me, what did you see?
Was I nothing, or something your mind never knew?
Did you never think what could I be now to you?
I have lived, and I live, but you’ve always been dead
You are not of this earth but are still in my head
I can’t give you my anger but here it all stands
All my life now is empty, it feels, in my hands
Have I hated you longer than you were alive?
Is this anger what tells me that I must survive?
I am living and breathing, my blood is still red
You are gone, you are nothing, I’m glad you are dead
And in all of this pain I am stronger than you
I have nothing and everything, I will pull through
If my words give you life I will burn them to dust
I will never be broken, I’ll live on, I must
There is only one thing I need out of my head
It’s a thing you put in there before you were dead
It’s the cancer, the sickness I cannot get out
It’s the constant, the nagging, perpetual doubt
If I thought I could win I would bet on the chance
But instead in my head is a furious dance
It’s a tango, a foxtrot, a terrible leap
And it freezes my day, but it burns in my sleep
I won’t listen, but know that I probably will
I have taken the poison, and you are the pill
There are dreams and reality, you are between
I am closing my eyes now to all I have seen
If a Hell that is real takes a person like you
Then I wish I believed it to see what you do
Do you think you deserve it, the torment and pain?
Do you feel every link of that tortuous chain?
If I follow you down to the place far below
There is one thing to lighten my heart, for I know
That the time you will spend there is longer than mine
Even if they would torture us both for all time
When the count of my days tallies higher than yours
I will spit at your life and accept my applause
You are nothing, but all that you were is within
And it’s there I will keep you, my prison of skin
When my final day claims me, and takes me at last
All the memories, all of the hate, will have passed
Though I keep you inside, I just wish you’d get out
And I wish in the still of the night I could shout
I won’t say what you did to me, what you did not
No, your death doesn’t help, but it’s all that I’ve got
If you’re gone from my life, well then why are you here?
You have stolen my courage and taught me to fear
There is so much you damaged, too much now to mend
Will I never be rid of you? Where is the end?
I will never know why you were hateful to me
But the damage is such I can never be free
To The End
I am weary of endlessly living this pain
You’re the dirt on my floor, just an ignorant stain
But an atom of comfort I take to my bed
You are gone from this world and will always be dead
This is perhaps the most honest poem I have ever written. A little alcohol after a stressful day, and a lifetime of living with the consequences of being put into a separate room, alone, by an uncaring stepfather, for ten years. Those are the ingredients here.
This was written in a single burst, in perhaps 20-30 minutes. It may have been more, but I wasn’t keeping track of the time. Writing so much poetry over the last two months probably gave me the tools to get it all out of me so quickly – I had never written anything in this way before.
Little is changed, other than for minor spelling and punctuation errors, and some sub-headings. Here and there I added a few words, just for the sake of maintaining the rhythm of the poem. Other than that I didn’t want to touch it. It represents what I was thinking and feeling in that moment.
And today will be a better day.
